Are My Choices Truly Mine?
Navigating the Line Between Personal Desires and External Expectations
In many cultures, particularly those where family, faith, and tradition hold deep significance, the question of whether we are making choices for ourselves or fulfilling expectations placed upon us is complex. Unlike individualistic societies that prioritise self-fulfilment above all else, we are raised with a strong sense of duty to our families, communities, and faith. Honouring parents, upholding family values, and following societal norms are not just expectations but integral parts of our identity.
However, what happens when our personal desires do not align with these expectations? How do we balance our sense of duty with our own aspirations? Is it even possible to carve out a space for our own choices without feeling as though we are dishonouring those who raised us?
The Silent Influence of Cultural and Familial Expectations
From a young age, we are shaped by the values of our families and communities. Decisions about education, career, marriage, and even the way we express ourselves are often guided by deeply ingrained beliefs. Many of us do not even pause to ask ourselves, Is this what I truly want, or is this what I have been taught to want?
This is not necessarily a bad thing. Our cultures offer wisdom, stability, and a strong sense of belonging. Yet, when external expectations become the sole compass by which we navigate our lives, we risk losing touch with our own purpose and individuality. The challenge is not about rejecting these values but understanding how to integrate them in a way that aligns with our own inner fulfilment.
Personal Desires vs. Conditioned Choices
How do we distinguish between what we truly want and what we have simply accepted as the ‘right’ path?
One way to explore this is to ask ourselves:
Would I still make this choice if there were no external pressures?
Do I feel at peace with this decision, or does it come with a sense of resentment, fear, or guilt?
When I think about this path, do I feel connected to it, or does it feel like something I am ‘supposed’ to do?
The answers are not always clear-cut. Sometimes, what we desire is so deeply intertwined with our upbringing that it is difficult to separate one from the other. But by reflecting on these questions, we start to cultivate self-awareness—an essential step towards making conscious, meaningful choices.
Faith and Duty: Finding the Balance
For many, faith plays a crucial role in decision-making. Islam, for example, emphasises the importance of parental respect, communal harmony, and responsibility. However, faith also recognises that every individual has been given intellect and agency. The Qur’an encourages self-reflection and sincerity in worship and actions. Making a decision out of obligation rather than sincerity can strip it of its spiritual and emotional depth.
The key is balance—seeking guidance from our faith and elders while also honouring the unique path that Allah has placed before us. A path that is walked with sincerity, even if it takes a different form than expected, is still one of honour.
Navigating Guilt and Fear
One of the greatest challenges in stepping into our own choices is the fear of disappointing those we love. In cultures where communal approval matters deeply, the idea of taking a different path can bring feelings of guilt and self-doubt. But it is important to remember that choosing a different approach to life does not mean rejecting one’s family or values. It means finding ways to remain connected while also honouring one’s own needs.
Communicate with compassion. Express your thoughts in a way that acknowledges the wisdom and sacrifices of those who guided you.
Seek counsel from those who understand both your cultural and personal struggles—mentors, elders, or faith-based advisors.
Understand that discomfort does not mean disrespect. Growth often requires difficult conversations and self-exploration.